This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
