i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
