I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
