put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
