a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
