so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
