Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
