You're completely useless in the revolution.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
