My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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