This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
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he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
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I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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