I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
