This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
