When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
