whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
