I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
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Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
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I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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