as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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