I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
