Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
