Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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