On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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