If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
