Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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