turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
