so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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