Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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