I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You're a waste of cheezeits
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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