Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
