I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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