We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
