she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
