i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Don't make out with my wife yet
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
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As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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