We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
