I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
