I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize