Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
