That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
