I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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