Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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