We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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