Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
