Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Randomize
