Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
