i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
as a side note pls kill me
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
