I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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