You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
