Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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