I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I want her autograph on my taint
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
