one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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