Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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