Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
