I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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