Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
