i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
