You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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