dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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