He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
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