i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
why do cheetos always look like penises
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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