party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
