I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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