I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
