awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
third nipple confirmed
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
